The Inner Fear (warning, trigger content)

I read somewhere once, that Anxiety is about caring too much and Depression is not caring at all. Well having both is like a personal nightmare you can't seem to wake up from. Throw a little mild OCD in for good measure and it can be catastrophic.

I have always cared too much about everything. My kids, my family, my friends, what people think about me, not being enough, doing something wrong, hurting others feelings. The list goes on. But when my anxiety got out of hand, I began to become depressed. That then turned into a huge cycle of self-loathing. I cared too much so I would get depressed. I would be depressed and not care about anything, but then would feel guilty that I didn't care, and the cycle would start all over again. 

Now my Anxiety likes to hold hands with my OCD and skip through my mind on a regular basis. Whispering and pointing out my fears like sights on a tour through a city.

So after the city tour, OCD goes home and starts to OBSESSIVELY think about all those things. Playing every fear in detail, over and over and over. And my anxiety which is tied to my fears goes into hyperdrive. It is emotionally and physically exhausting. To the point where you are numb and depressed because you just want to not feel anything for a little while. 

Now I don't know about you, but when I'm depressed, I get angry, so very easily. For months I was angry. Angry at myself, at my kids, at my husband. They had done nothing wrong, but my fears all revolved around them. So I was angry at them because, in my irrational moments, it was their fault I felt like this. I was giving them everything I was, emptying my soul for them. I was this way because they made me this way. And I hated them for it. I wanted to run away. 

Every ache of my self-being was at battle. Half of me loving my family, the other half hating them and wanting to leave them. It was eating me up, and it's eating me now I write this. My awful secret. That biggest fear. That maybe I wasn't cut out for this shit. Even though 3 years ago, I was loving every second of it. 

I opened up to my husband. My wonderful loving husband. My biggest supporter. Now my husband is far from mushy, and emotional. He's level headed and honest to point of bluntness. He listened, as I cried and admitted my fears and feelings. Told him the honest to god truth. He told me that he loved me but he could not give me the answers that I needed to find for myself. And that should I choose to leave them, if that was really what I wanted, I would never have to worry about our kids being loved and cared for because he would be there.

It broke me even more than my fears. The thought of leaving them behind. The thought of my life without them. He'd laid it all bare. He was giving me permission to run away if that's what I wanted. My heart ached and I couldn't believe it. But in that moment, I knew that I loved them. The idea of actually leaving them killed me. Overrode all those dark thoughts about leaving my life behind. Overrode the fear, and the hate, because that's all they were. Emotional feelings reacting to the thoughts I was having. 

I had been focusing on these thoughts, rather than letting them go and pass through like a light breeze. I was giving my fears control by obsessing about them. By bringing them to life in my own mind, again and again, I was feeding that fear, that anxiety. To where I had started to believe these feelings where real. Don't get me wrong, the physical feeling is real, but only because your body is automatically reacting to the chemicals your brain is making in your panicked state. Not because it's true, just because it's your body reacting the way it is designed too. 

It's hard not to focus on the thoughts, especially when they go against your total moral being. It takes lots of practice. Hard practice to let them go. To not obsess. But it is possible. I still struggle to let them go. To "believe" that they do not bother me. To know that these thoughts and feelings are just that, and do not make them true. These thoughts are not a threat to my safety. 

It gets easier over time and practice of mindfulness.
If I get too overwhelmed my Therapist has me do this technique. 

Imagine a river. What does it look like to you? Is it a slow flowing creek, or raging rapids. Focus on the details of it. It is your river, it is how you make it. Now imagine that there are leaves flowing past. What colour are they? Now attach any unwanted thoughts you have to those leaves and let them float away. Don't focus on them drifting away, just let them go.

My personal water body is a slow-moving creek in a rainforest, with river rocks at the bottom. My leaves are golden and yellow of freshly fallen autumn leaves. The possibilities for your private mindfulness wonderland is up to you. Every detail is down to your personal preferences. When you feel like you are being overwhelmed, go there.

I know alot of you out there are feeling this way. Floating around in the dark. I understand. I feel your pain, your fears, your darkness. Because they are mine too. Please don't ever feel like you are alone in this. That you are the only one. You are not. You are surrounded by so many others who are feeling the same. Hiding sadness and shame. Know that you are not alone in this battle. There is always someone, someone who understands. I am at least one of so many, and you are not alone. 

And Remember, Love Yourself Moles